I decided on the title for this one yesterday, while swamped with work and inundated with mouthbreather idiocy. I’ve since had a chance to cool off, but lets see if i can get my point across, shall we?

So i called it, Agitated – Redux.

The point I’m trying to get across in only two words is that to me, nothing has really changed.

I mean – everything has changed, I’m no longer writing this at 5am in the dark at home after not sleeping and drowning my sorrows in fine liquor. I’m writing this from my desk at 7:30am in a nice warm office, with my extra-espresso-laden long black sitting beside me like a faithful companion, waiting to be assaulted by the inevitable stupidity that results when people are exposed to technology.

Don’t get me wrong, i don’t blame them.

Technology is hard for most people, computers are based on logic (well, based on the combined unmatched logic of hundreds of software developers – inherently illogical, but i digress) which is very much as foreign in people as common sense (which should be a fucking superpower it’s so rare)

I do my best to explain it in simple terms, use lots of analogies, and be very forgiving – it’s not their job to know these things. Yesterday i explained TCP/IP in terms of a highway. I thought it was a masterpiece.

What i do blame is idiot IT staff.

I’ve worked with many throughout my career, and there’s one type in particular – They’re your stereotypical high school repressed nerd, who’s out to lord his knowledge over anyone he can to get back at them for calling him NERDLINGER in school. Examples such as throwing technical terms at people, making excuses for not doing their work that sound plausible to an outsider as they have no knowledge of technical procedure, but are really thinly veiled lies, and worst of all – bad customer service.

Now, I’m an evil cynical bastard at the best of times, but let me spell it out for all you would-be IT department overlords.

Your job is to make sure the rest of the organization can do their fucking job.

It is not their prerogative to fit in around your schedule. It’s their right and duty to perform their assigned tasks to ensure the company remains profitable, and it’s your duty to ensure that no technical issue is standing in their way. I don’t care if you have to bend over backwards or break rules, it’s your job.

…

All of this being said, there’s another IT department fault.

The yesmen.

“yeah we can do that”, “yeah we can fix that”, “yeah just bring your home computer in I’ll look at it”, “oh you wanna watch porn at work? no worries, we’ll sort it for you”

There needs to be rules. Some IT departments start with the best of intentions and end up trying to support everything under the sun. Eventually this falls down around them, and if you’ve ever worked in a corporate environment you’ve probably seen examples of this behavior. Your IT staff seem pushed to the edge, they have no spare time, and any requests for procurement are met either with outright denial or heavy handed delays for “evaluating technical requirements”

—-

So essentially, I’m frustrated with my job.

At least, that’s one aspect of it.

Although I’m quite gainfully employed, it’s very much in a position I’ve outgrown.

The “network support team” who i apparently report to is constantly coming to me with questions and requests for assistance, yet I’m not even delegated the administrative privileges to fix their issue.

Aside from the professional aspect, there’s the commuting. Matt’s daily routine:

0530 – Wake up, shower, breakfast if there’s time

0630 – Get on the bus in Maroochydore

0715 – Get off the bus in Caloundra

0720 – Coffee. ’nuff said.

0730 – Sit down at my desk. Commence idiocy.

1630 – Leave work, breath sigh of relief

1650 – Get on the bus in Caloundra

1755 – Get off the bus in Maroochydore

1800 – Get on the bus in Maroochydore

1900 – Get off the bus in Buderim

2200 – Go to bed.

REPEAT

That leaves me.. three hours a day with myself, in which i have numerous other things to be doing, and that’s assuming i don’t work late that day, which 3/5 days a week i end up doing.

Add to that the fact that at home I’m enduring family i particularly dislike, as well as the occupational frustration and you have a cocktail for Matt turning to drink. Even moreso than usual.

At least one little light on the horizon is the fact that my tickets are going for $660 instead of the predicted $1800. I imagine $660 doesn’t include tax, but still – dirt cheap.

New projected target cash for moving:

$2150

Assuming tickets will total out at $1000

Still no closer on my visa, but i have the means to apply for it now at least.

This post really served no purpose. Sorry guys =D

- Matt

Due to the fact that my job is less eventful than an episode of big brother (ha! take that, canceled defunct TV phenomenon~!) I’ve decided to hunt for some new topics to write about, as i’ll inevitably be writing more often with my increased exposure to internet and my own company.

A quick google search came up with a list i found interesting – as follows;

1. The Story of My Most Serious Injury
2. The Person I Admire Most
3. This Will Be My Epitaph
4. Why I Love My Hometown
5. Why I Hate My Hometown
6. Why I Was a Childhood Bully
7. How I Shop
8. How I Choose to Spend My Money
9. I Wish I Spent Less Money on This
10. Why I’m in My Current Job
11. My Ideal Job
12. My High School Clique
13. My Worst Subject in School
14. If I Had a Super Power
15. Here’s Where My Opinion Differs From the Majority
16. Why I Voted the Way I Did in the Last Election
17. Why I Don’t Vote
18. The Cause I Really Believe In
19. Why I Came To Religion
20. Why I Don’t Believe Anymore
21. Where I Find Spirituality
22. My First Kiss
23. My Worst Kiss
24. The First Time I Had My Heart Broken
25. Why I Travel
26. Why I Don’t Travel
27. My Philosophy on Raising Children
28. Why I Chose My University Degree
29. My Favourite Place on the Planet
30. My Greatest Sin Against the Environment
31. Why I Married My Spouse
32. My Most Hated Movie
33. The Book That Changed My Life
34. My Unexpected Mentor
35. I Couldn’t Live Without This Song
36. If I Hear This Song Again, Radio Personalities Will Suffer
37. I Have the Craziest Uncle Ever
38. Why I Believe in Luck
39. Why I Don’t Believe in Luck
40. How I Earned My Worst Karma
41. Where I Volunteer
42. Why I Don’t Volunteer
43. My Favourite Item of Clothing Growing Up
44. If This Celebrity Knocked On My Door, I’d Run Away With Them
45. Why I Care About Celebrities
46. Why I Love This Sport
47. Why I Hate Sports
48. When I’m at My Most Self-Indulgent
49. How To Be Selfless
50. My Childhood Dreams, and How I’ve Fulfilled Them
51. How I Learned Patience
52. How My Hard Work Paid Off
53. I’ve Never Been More Surprised in My Life
54. What Scares the Shit Out of Me
55. The Only Thing I Can Teach You

- shamelessly stolen (liberated?) from here.

So over the coming weeks i’ll endeavor to fill some of these. Stay tuned.

- Matt

It’s been like a week since i posted and everything is new.

Much to my dismay, i had to leave job search training, (and they say sarcasm doesn’t carry in writing!) as i found employment very hastily. Here’s the scoop;

So here i am. 8am. Sleeping, blissfully. My phone rings – i decide it’s not worth getting up for and ignore it. My phone rings again – ignore, again. Third time’s a charm? i answer it this time;

Bouncy sounding young lady: “Hi Matt, my name is Kelly Hopkins and i’m from Hays IT&T recruiting. You want a job?”

…”you want a job?”

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Matt: “No. I don’t. It’s fucking 8am and you woke me up. I hope you get cancer.”

End sarcasm.

Matt: “Tell me about the position”

Kelly: “Well, it’s an Engineer role so it’s right up your alley. You’ll be working for the Caloundra shire council. Thing is, it’s a contract role and i don’t know if you’re interested in those..”

Matt (interested) “”Contract role” is a synonym for “Pay-Matt-more-money-for-less-work”. I’m interested. What rate are they offering?”

Kelly: “I can get you.. *shuffling papers* $30/hour?”

Matt: ” SOLD! When do i start?”

Kelly: “Well, they want to do a quick phone interview but.. how about tomorrow?”

So this Kelly girl is my new best friend.

I didn’t end up getting to start the next day, as that night one of the staff members in the Network support section i was to start working in attempted to commit suicide while at work. This makes the role seem more palatable yes?

Regardless, i started work the coming Tuesday, as the staff were undergoing counseling. This was two days ago, and as you can clearly see, I’ve been challenged to no end! (okay, sarcasm doesn’t carry.)

see also: I’m bored. I’m really, really bored.

At the moment, though i’m “ENGINEER MATT”, I’ve been relegated to being the helpdesk bitch for these guys, while their usual helpdesk wench moves up in life – which would be fair enough, treat your staff better than your contractors, it’s logic.

However. The guy I’m replacing.. well.. he kinda.. sucks – and not just hoover-esque, World’s Largest Vacuum style.

Now don’t get me wrong, i like the guy (even though he kinda reminds me of Riorden, the high school nerd-stereotype – we used to joke that his date to the school formal would be a modem, haha) he’s nice. It’s just a professional thing; he’s not really qualified for the job he’s doing now, and i am. We should be swapped around, they’re paying absurd money for me (somewhere around $50/hour) and I’m under-utilized.

But Matt! you say, You’re earning lots, and doing sweet fuck all – you should be loving it! Well, Ms “random disembodied voice criticizing my attitudes”. I’ve got news for you. If I’m not engaged, challenged and generally way in over my head, I can’t perform – i don’t feel motivated.I’ve got two settings;

1. Matt has way too much work, doesn’t understand most of it = Matt goes spastic, works hard, works fast, gets great results due to pure tenacity
2. Matt has not enough work, or not challenging work = Matt does nothing, quits job.

Oh well. Just keep thinking of the money eh?

Speaking of which, Centrelink never panned out, but that’s alright – earning $1200/week before tax means I’ll cruise money wise. My whole trip will be paid for in a couple of weeks. I’m really happy about that needless to say.

Wow. That was a long rant about not much.

Anyway, I’m currently waking up at 0530 to get to work at 0730. An hour on the bus, whee. And for some reason, it takes two to get home. So lets just round that out at four hours a day commuting or preparing for commuting.

This, is the reason I’ve decided to move to Caloundra.

So i went and looked at an apartment yesterday – share accommodation, renting a room in this three-level four bedroom fully furnished apartment. It’s 5mins walk from where i work, which in turn is two blocks from the beach. It’s $140/week, so cheap as – Oh and one of my roommates is a 24 year old dance instructor. Score.

• A = New job

• B = New apartment (hopefully)

So yeah, i should find out if i got the place today, which is awesome. I’ll move in straight away, take up surfing on my lunchour, and generally just enjoy the beach lifestyle way too much.

Quick aside; Weirdest thing happened on Tuesday – i went to the nearest coffee shop to my new workplace to find myself my regular cup of morning invigoration, and there’s this cute girl named Chloe there. She takes my order and when it comes time to ask for my name, says “It’s Matt, right?”

At that point i was a tad perplexed, I’d never met this girl before. “You’re Sarah’s boyfriend right?”. Even more confusion, i don’t know anyone named Sarah. “I think you’ve got the wrong guy *smile*”. She blushes, finishes my order and apologizes.

So I’m sitting there drinking my coffee when it occurs to me – I do know a Sarah. Kinda. Back when i lived in Brisbane – Scott, Zac and i were out drinking and Scott introduced me to this tallish loud redhaired English girl named Sarah.

So when i go back for my second cup of joy, i ask; “Sarah.. Is this Sarah perhaps a tallish.. loud, redheaded, English girl?”

THAT’S HER!

“How do you know Sarah?”

“I met her in a club this one time. She’s pretty unique.”

Fucking weird eh?

- Matt

While writing my last post, i realised just how much cash Centrelink owes me, and just how helpful it’d be in progressing my plans to GTFO Australia. So, armed with new hope for making my life easier for once, i grabbed my phone and made the call!

I’d like to point out how enthusiastic and hopeful the last paragraph was, as it really puts my experience in perspective.

After hanging on the line listening to some horrible government propaganda for a while, i got transferred to an operator. She went through the usual red tape, and assured me that claiming back to my initial claim date would be no problem. She was nice, everything went smoothly, too easy right?

WRONG! BAM! Job search training.

What, pray-tell is job search training? i don’t even know, and I’ve been attending it for five days.

Basically, to get the money out of Centrelink, i need to attend this course wherein the concept is that participants are taught useful techniques and strategies to assist them finding work.

Notice i said concept?

I’m pretty damn sure the first “lesson” was a thinly veiled “CAN YOU READ, DUMBASS!?”. The second riveting endeavour, “Time Management” – “CAN YOU READ TIME, DUMBASS!?”, and so on and so forth, ad naseum.

As I’m sure the more imaginative among my dwindling readership (bullshit, no-one reads this, you don’t have one!) can imagine, i was bored senseless. My first day, after completing the “exercise” in like ten minutes, i coloured in the back of an A4 sheet of paper in tiny little checkboxes. Then counted them. There was 1,523. At that point the woman taking the class even had the audacity to approach me and ask “are you.. maybe.. a little bored?”. To use the term “staring daggers” would be putting it mildly in this situation.

Anyway, it’s only 5 days worth, and if i get my payout it’ll be worth it. If not, what have i lost? it’s not like i do anything with my time anyways..

Seriously, the rest of my free time is either sitting at home, being a retarded fitness addict running up and down Buderim, at the beach, or sitting at Starbucks drinking coffee, reading, writing, and flirting with the waitress there.

Needless to say; i’m both bored and lonely.

AND I’m getting no closer to my departure as of yet.

oh woe is me?

- Matt

It’s 5am again, and i cant sleep.

I’ve spent the past 4hours laying awake in bed.

I just cant stop thinking, and i’m pretty fucking pissed about it.

I feel like i’m wasting so much time, and there’s nothing i can do about it. I planned to be roughing it in the UK by now, getting ready to undergo selection, but via complications, my laziness and my sheer ineptitude, i’m still sitting here freezing my ass off on the coast. It’s the most helpless i’ve felt in a long time. I’ve got so much to do, and i’m so keen to do it, but there’s nothing i can do to progress at this point – i cant even begin to convey the feeling – which, i might add, is probably due to my poor writing style, which i’ve decided i hate after reading back through my prior posts.

I’m trying to us this blog as a vehicle to get that off my chest, but i just can’t. Agitated x2. At least i find a little serenity in reflecting on stuff here i guess *shrug*.

Anyway, i’ll give up on that for now, no-one likes a whiner anyway. News!

For starters, i got a new phone number in light of Commander wisening the fuck up. It’s 0405 197 158. And dont give me shit about putting it on the web – i’m so bored and antisocial i’d LOVE to have a creepy stalker or something. Call me, kay?

I called centrelink, deciding i should actually.. see some use of my tax dollars and claim the support they owe me. I havent done this prior to now because i feel dirty at even the though of it, even though i really shouldn’t considering it’s where the ludicrous amount of money the government taxes me goes. Anyway, as a bit of respite from my horrible luck of late, i may be able to claim up to 13 weeks worth of “you’re an unemployed dumbshit” off them, which would put me well and truly ahead in my “getthefuckoutofthecountry” fund.

Lets break that down.

I’ve worked out i need:

1. Approximately $1500 for tickets, $1800 at the most.
2. $490 for my visa, this will also take two months or so.
3. $150 for my passport, could take a month?
4. $500 for the pubjobs scheme. This is a great idea, kudos to whoever thought it up. Basically, i pay some flight-centre sub-company $500 and they get me a job working in a pub in the UK, wherein i get paid, and live in the accomodation above the pub. It’s not a heap of money (£120-£200 a week, about $240-$400AUD) and they supply me with a cooked meal a day and a place to sleep. The downside is that it’s a minimum 3 month term working in the pub, but i reckon it’ll be good to have that time as time to get out and explore the UK and Europe a little, as well as get my application and initial assessment done with the Paras.

That would be the bare minimum between now and then. So conservitively speaking, i need $2940 – ignoring obvious things like travel from the airport etc. Lets take stock of my current situation.

1. I’ve got about $700 in the bank, which is great i suppose after living off my savings for the better part of four months.
2. Claiming off Centrelink i can expect, at an estimate, at least $300/fortnight. If i can back-claim, thats about $1950. That would fucking rock. I’d be set. I’d sit here and live off unemployment – spending lots of time on the pristine beaches at my doorstep - until my Passport and Visas came through and just leave.
3. I’ve got a lot of goods to sell. At least 2k worth, trouble is selling them.

Looking at it that way, it’s really not such a dire situation – time is my enemy more than money. Timing it so i can book my flights in advance to get them cheaper, along with having my visa before i go is difficult. The department of immigration gives you a ballpark time span of like 4-6 weeks on SIMPLE cases (which mine should be, i’m applying for an Ancestry visa, stating that i have the right to live and work in the UK due to my family history – all you need is one parent or grandparent who was a UK citizen. My mother was not, but my grandmother was, i’m supplying them with my birth certificate, my mothers birth certificate, my grandmothers birth and death certificates, and if worst comes to worst, i’ll get her parents detials).

This means reaslistically if i book my tickets for two months from now i should be right, but i just cant be sure, and i cant leave without a visa.

What else is news? probably nothing. I’ve really got no life at the moment, i havent for months, and it’s really quite frustrating. Remember post #1 where i talked about my shit habits and being a loner? yeah, well, it’s still going. I’m afraid to do too much about it though i guess – i dont want to get too attached to anything here. Friends have made it easy for me, by deciding they hate me for some reason (barring Scott, he and i are probably closer than ever, and thats great) and family have been kind as well, my mother leaving to travel the world after catching the bug off me, and my brothers – one moving out and the other living with my father here.

My father is a non-issue, i cant say i feel much remorse nor regret at leaving him behind, he was absent for most of my life and i hate the way he lives his. I really only hope my younger brother doesn’t pick up his terrible defeatist habits and become like him. But i guess all this is another psych session for another time.

Oh, i also got off my ass and uploaded photos – well, i’m doing it right now anyway. Dialup sucks. ass. But check my Flickr feed for new shit. I’ll outline the noteworthy ones:

• 

  Salad Face Man. You have no fucking idea how hard it is to keep a straight face while holding a plate wherein you’ve made a face out of leftover salad, especially while at a resturaunt.

• 

  Guy-who-has-an-alpacca-for-a-wife. I grabbed these while at the beach the other day, check out his wife’s cute handbag!

Fuck me, 1123 words? i’m pretty good at ranting on about nothing huh?

I think i’m gonna go indulge my inner health psycho with a long run up and down the 15%incline hill outside my house. THEN i’m gonna go lay on the beach and read for a bit. I think i should take back what i said earlier about frustration, i feel a lot better after writing this.

baibainow.

- Matt

It’s like..

Fucking 5am.

I’ve gotta start writing these at a more reasonable time.

Anyway, i digress.

Things have changed! lots of new..

I moved down to the Sunshine Coast for one, after i learned that i need to visit some government thing to get my visa. This meant saying goodbye to everyone in cairns. So i invited everyone i could think of on short notice to go out to dinner at some little pub deal. Most of the actual responses i got were along the lines of “whoz dis” until the day before, but whatever. 15? people came, it was fun i guess, everyone kinda kept to themselves, and left early. I guess i expected it – the people i called friends probably don’t, and wont miss me, nor will i hear from them again unless it is in some way beneficial for them.

After the luxury pub dinner Kirby Dean and Sam came back home and we sat around drinking and talking and whatnot. I had a good long chat with Dean and that was basically it. At this point I’d ingested so much alcohol i felt wretched and decided a swift concede to sleep was in order.

Anyway, i guess not everyone feels the same way. Like Sam. Leaving her was hard.. see, she told me she still cares and stuff, which is a fatal move. Matt = bad for her, and she knows it I’m sure. I’m glad she still cares but i wish she’d moved on i suppose. This paragraph is crap, i don’t know how to articulate what i want to say. pfft.

letssee, time to do that “rad-dot-points-thing-I-do”© , ‘cos I haven’t updated in too long.

NEW STUFF:

• Living with my father on Sunshine coast. Goddamn i dislike him. He’s really become the stereotypical old-white-guy, it’s sad. Other than that, there’s no fucking work here, and I’ve re-discovered how much i love the beach.
• I got a job! working for the red cross. They then turned me down because i couldn’t get them a reference over the weekend. How fucking unreasonable is that?

Wow, I’ve been wasting alot of time.

So basically, I’ve worked out i need to sell all my stuff and make about 45k p/a, within the next two months, to move easily.

I think, i’m gonna go look at personal loans and shit.. maybe a new credit card, compound my issues. It’s risky, but faster?

Or perhaps i’ll do a stint working in a pub? it’s only three months.

By the way, shout out to the peeps (spambots? that dont spam? – i think they’re people) from the random third-world countries commenting on here. Thanks for popping this blog-cherry i suppose.

Airborne easy? fuck you, this is hard.

- Matt

p.s; photo’s later! typing this on my fathers computer and shitty dialup.

There’s a lot of things i have to do before i leave. (welcome to the subtle art of understatement)

On that list i’ve got;

• Get my passport
• Save some money (get a job maybe? definitely)
• Pay for plane tickets
• Organize my gear
• Buy a camera, to keep those memories
• Get in better shape, but *better* is never going to be better enough for where i’m going
• Tell my friends and family how i really feel about each of them.
  • This is probably a stupid idea, motivated by the fact i’m having my midlife crisis at nineteen. I want to be.. a better, more likeable man, and to do that i think i need some personality reform. Right now, i’d call myself boring. I’ve got this dry sarcastic sense of humor that is only ever mildly entertaining – usually achieved via ridicule – and as much as i’d consider myself relatively articulate, at times to the point of manipulatism, i don’t think i could name someone who understands Matt.
  • So.. what i aim to do is a little bio on the people i love and value. I’ll add a picture, a backstory, a happy time and a disappointment, and this can serve as my testimony to them, of who they are to me, how i view them, and serve also as a means of memoriam, as i fear i’ll never see many of them ever again.
  • You might be saying “gee Matt, stop being such an arrogant bigot, no-one cares what you think of them!”. You’re probably right, and i’m not here to play judge, jury and executioner, and if anyone takes offense they’re welcome to take it up with me. This isn’t judgement, this is my means, as a horribly reclusive person – in hiding as a awkward loudmouth attempting to be insightful, of telling each and every one of the people who i’ve cared about, and who have shaped me as a person, how i feel about them.
  • If you still think i’m a jerk, please forgive me.
• Catch up with old friends more, if they’ll have me.
• Pay off my debts
• Learn not to say yes, when i really mean no.
• Learn the intro to Atreyu’s “Demonology and Heartache” on my guitar. I love that song.

Just for fun (and fuel to write about.);

• Get drunk in town and wander all the way home absolutely blind
• Shower in a waterfall
• Sing a great song, in front of an audience
• Ask someone i only just met on a date.
• Sleep under the stars, on a beach somewhere
• Make an enemy.
  • Schopenhauer: “We can come to look upon the deaths of our enemies with as much regret as we feel for those of our friends, namely, when we miss their existence as witnesses to our success.”
  • note to self – upon completion, do not kill enemy.
• Get kicked out of somewhere. Doesn’t matter where.

I’m sure i’ll think of more later, but this shall do for now. I think even i, have had enough of my sombre tones for one night.

“So little done, so much to do.”

Matt.

p.s; anyone who can quote the lyrical reference for this post title wins ten (ten! omg!) points. If you don’t know it, cheat, look it up, and listen to it. Broaden your artistic appreciation damnit.

So i’ve basically decided i’m moving to the UK to join the paras, pending a few unanswered questions;

• Do i need British Citizenship to join the parachute regiment?
• Do i need to have a period of residency in the UK before i’m allowed to enlist?

I suppose that’s it actually. Pretty easy huh?

You’d think so. but apparently the British army doesn’t get the brightest bunch to work in their recruiting centre. Allow me to illustrate in form of my recent correspondence with one of their recruiters.

My question:

From: “Matt Diefenbach” <Corran_DW@hotmail.com>
To: <barracks@armycareersoffice.co.uk>
Subject: abroad entry

Hi,

I’m interested in getting some information on joining the parachute regiment, specifically on the process for joining from abroad (Australia) and the complications that involves.

Namely, i’ve read that for some regiments there’s a mandatory period of residency in the UK, and for some others there’s even a requirement of British citizenship.

Do either of those two particular requirements apply to the Parachute Regiment?

Thanks,

Matt

The response:

From: CSjt Gary Harriss [mailto:barracks@armycareersoffice.co.uk]
Sent: Monday, 7 April 2008 8:54 PM
To: Corran_DW@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: abroad entry

Hi, thank you for contacting the Online Office.

yes you must pass all this to get in.

When you apply to join The British Army from overseas, please send your details to the following email Address.

rg@acio.mod.uk

To apply for service in the British Army from overseas, you must also be over 16 and under the age of 32 to apply;

Full Name
Full Postal Address
Date and Place of birth
The full UK Postal address of your sponsor.

If you do not intend to stay with your UK sponsor you must also provide the full UK address where you will be accommodated during your application.

You must also send a valid passport number, place of issue and expiry date.

Please list in full your education qualifications. All applicants MUST have completed Secondary education up to the age of 16.

Should you be invited to the UK for testing you will be required to support yourself financially for at least 6 months while the selection process is completed.

The overseas cell try to reply to all emails within 2 days. This will place you on the overseas application list. Each name is dealt with in order, an application pack will go out to you in the normal post.

*blahblahblah useless irrelevant drivel copied out of some recruiters manual*

This is all great information, thanks Gary!

…

er, sorry to trouble you, but could you maybe just, y’know, answer my question?

From: “Matt Diefenbach” <Corran_DW@hotmail.com>
To: “‘CSjt Gary Harriss’” <barracks@armycareersoffice.co.uk>
Subject: RE: abroad entry

Thanks for your response Gary,

Just to clarify, to join the parachute regiment specifically, is there a minimum period of residency in the UK before it will be allowed?

Or should this enquiry be directed to the email address you mentioned?

Thanks,

Matt

Catch more flies with honey than vinegar, no?

Hi, thank you for contacting the Online Office.

NO you can apply from the start if you passed the selection for this job once you get to the UK.

Regards
CSjt Gary Harriss
OnLine Office

Well.

That.. hurt my head.

Lets try to work through this together?

“No, you can apply from the start, if you passed selection for this job once you get in the UK”

So.. after correcting? his grammar, the sentence is a tad more readable. I’m assuming that he’s attempting to say:

Dear Matt,

Thank you for contacting the Online Army Recruitment office!

No, the Parachute Regiment doesn’t require you to have either British citizenship or to have lived a certain period in the UK

So long as you pass the basic selection that the Royal Green Army and the Parachute Regiment requires, you will be able to enlist when you get to the UK.

Thanks for your enquiry,

CSjt Gary Harriss

Online Office.

Ah, that was better. Wouldn’t it be great if the whole world was literate and polite?

In the meantime, someone get Gary a copy of English comprehension 101.

Obviously i could be looking at this through rose tinted glasses so to speak, and just reading it the way i want to, so i’ll have to find some source of confirmation. Either the British embassy in Australia, or i’ll buy a calling card or something and call the UK office.

Other than the career thing, life is swell! (god i hate that word) Ryan and Rita have their twins now, which is.. to say the least, sleep depriving. Ryan is more the mother than Rita, which is sickeningly cute (by cute i mean i sometimes get the overwhelming urge to gaybash him).

The children (Lillian and Jake) are healthy which is good to see, and Ricky doesn’t feel too left out as of yet which is fantastic. I’m still waking up to the little bastard slapping me on the head yelling “FAT, FAT, FAT, FATS SLEEPING”. Someone let my self esteem know when he manages to start saying M sounds =(

So at the moment i’m in the process of looking for a job, save some money for the trip. If all goes well, i could be out of here in a month, maybe two?

Answers please?

Matt.

A: See userpic

3:42am – should be sleeping, but i’m not

I’m trying to decide on my future.

Long story? you betcha. Lets look at it like this:

• 2006:

Finally gave up on school, half-way through year twelve! leaving with nothing to show for it but a 50-hour-a-week checkout chick job i’m sure i could have obtained otherwise. So what do i do? turn to the army. I’d always enjoyed the notion of backbreaking labor, so i applied to become a carpenter in the Australian army. Come test day i breezed through the mental exercises designed to dumbfound the simple mouthbreathers society needs to filter out of it’s armed forces, only to be told “we dont need any carpenters, wanna be a rifleman!?”

I promptly told them where they could shove that.

Fast forward a month; Matt is now a trainee IT technician with the Cairns City Council. Working there was pleasant, though my instructor was a hideous gorilla-resembling old man who managed to hold down the lethal combination of stupidity and bull-headed stubbornness. I quickly found most of the stuff he was “teaching” was complete and utter rubbish and i matured for that point alone.

I worked there for nigh on six months, when i had one of my patented crises, deciding that IT is not for me. So i left and became a painters apprentice, which, while fulfilling with the manual labor aspect was completely and utterly mentally draining in that the work was so crude and simple.

I fucked that one off real quick, after about a month i think, and decided to move to Brisbane with my then-girlfriend, Trina.

• 2007:

So off i went, leaving Cairns with not more than some money, a few worldly possessions and my delusion of meaningful intimacy with my “love”. Ignorance is bliss.

We moved into a quaint but very homely apartment in Newmarket, just outside Brisbane. All was good for a while, Trina had work at the Coles down the road, and i found my IT skills were in hot demand, even so much as to secure an interview and eventually a job seven minutes after emailing off my resume in application of the position.

The work, however, was as lackluster as usual, which was only exacerbated by the hopeless management i had to endure while working there at the hand of another gorilla-looking-fellow with the same idiot complex as my previous mentor. Eventually i lost the position, the monotony of the work drove me to doing irresponsible thing, such as shirking responsibility and generally not working as hard or as i should (for me,this is a common response to something i dislike – especially work).

After losing that position, i just floated for a bit. I think i literally wasted two months just sitting at home, doing nothing, and living off my savings. It was both a welcome holiday from being a grown-up and torture.

Eventually i got fed up with the lack of stimulation and i re-entered the jobseeking market. I quickly got headhunted for a role with a rather big name IT company called Unisys, the job being to make sure the numerous cretins that populate Education Queensland’s TAFE system don’t get too scared by the fancy new *cough*eightyearold*cough* technology the government provides them to do their jobs.

The environment at Unisys fostered my ambition to a degree, and i got very serious about my career for once. I studied like a madman in my spare time – of which i had little, i found myself spending a ten hours day at work, only to come home to my partner, to spend the rest of my day cooking and cleaning for her.

The ambition that Unisys managed to impart on me finally got the better of me, and i began to seek work that didn’t have me clenching my fists in anger at the stupidity of both the system they work by, and the people who uphold the system.

Meanwhile my frustrations at home were getting the better of me, and this all came to a head when Neal, Lisa, Chloe, Poppi and Sam came down to visit for a week or so. It was a great thing to do, and i really enjoyed hanging out with my old friends again after not seeing them for so long. Especially considering i had no social life whatsoever. The girls coming down just helped to highlight how i felt about Trina’s lack of ambition (working just enough to get by, with me paying the bills) and her mannerisms toward me at the time – ie; she was more interested in playing her videogames than me, and i’d often find myself talking to her only to be ignored because she was so lost in her little world.

So i left Trina. Well.. “left”. I moved out, okay? i moved in with Zac, to a really nice apartment in Fortitude Valley. I thought my life was just beginning. I got a new fantastic job WAY OVER MY HEAD with Commander ICT, with the prestigious title of Systems Engineer/Network Design Consultant, and though i was obviously not qualified nor tested, my manager took a leap of faith in me and i believe i did everything in my power to make that leap justified.

So here i was believing my social life would improve – i’d finally have some friends maybe? – my work life had improved, and my living circumstances were much more luxurious. I was being paid an exorbitant amount of money for a job that while challenging, was eventually very slow paced. And all the better, i kept seeing Trina on the side, trying to work out how i really felt about her. I screwed her around something severe, and i regret that.

This vicious cycle continued with nothing noteworthy until just before Christmas, when Zac decided to invite someone he’d met three nights prior in a nightclub to come live with us. I wasn’t thrilled, but i figured he wanted it, it’d be for a short term, and he was paying rent too. So why not hey? big mistake.

This houseguest was the most blatantly appallingly stereotypical homosexual you could ever hope to meet. It’s like he went and got the book of stereotypes, looked up homosexual, and decided thats how he’s going to act. To the letter. Needless to say between the void of personality and the incessant self absorbed behavior, not to mention the compulsive lying, i began to grow quite weary of his company. But i kept my mouth shut, for Zac’s sake. Second big mistake.

It was about this time i was becoming more and more disillusioned with the IT worker lifestyle, and i dreaded going to work as much as before. My salvation came in a random phonecall from defense force recruiting. The soldier on the phone wanted to offer me a job in Australia’s elite Commandos, due to my excellent test scores the year prior. I got really behind this idea, because it embodied so many things i wanted. A job with the grueling backbreaking labor, that still required active concentration and mental hardship. Things looked perfect.

I went on a health binge, reworked my entire (nonexistant) diet, and took up exercising a lot more often and a lot more vigorously. I was feeling great again, i had hope.

• 2008:

In late January i lost my job to a random six-hundred employee (1/3 of the company) flash-mass-redundancy. In the same week Zac and i got issued a notice to leave our apartment, due to the illegality of Zac’s company. I was pissed.

To add insult to injury, Trina decided she’d had enough of me, forgoing her stalkerish behavior and just gave up. I still don’t know how i feel about this. I love(ed) her, but hated her behavior, and it drove me away.

In one fel swoop, i managed to lose everything i had worked so hard for. I lost how i identified myself, and without any support to fall back on, i got into some shit habits. I became more of a loner than usual, focused entirely on my army gig. It was my everything..

After a while i decided to move back to Cairns, on the pretense of having a little working muck-around time before i signed my life away to the army.. but really, all i wanted was to be with close friends again, and feel a little bit of camaraderie. To feel close to people, to feel valued, to feel wanted.

Needless to say, i found the people i still put so much stead in, had long since stopped putting any in me. I’ve been staying with Ryan for two months now, and i could count on one hand the amount of times i’ve seen the majority of them – nay, all of them. It’s hurtful to think that the people i loved just dont value me the same, but i guess i’ll get over it. Back to being a loner eh?

This brings everything pretty much up to date.

With my newfound sense of degraded self worth, i’m highly considering – as in i’m almost good to say i’m doing it – moving to the UK and joining the British Parachute Regiment, instead of the Australian Commandos. The paras are probably the most elite infantry regiment in the world, and they’re a very demanding bunch – just my cup of tea. This also lets me do some traveling, which is fantastic. Apart from the pretty huge step of leaving behind everything i know, it seems like the logical option.

International travel brings back memories of hardships, one especially.

There’s a girl i care very much about, love as a friend, once loved as much more. She’s one of my oldest friends, and someone who’s opinions i put a lot of value in.

Years ago she told me she loved me, and i told her the same. This would be fantastic if we weren’t a pacific ocean apart – that’s a hell of a commute, even for love (quiet you hopeless romanticist bastard..).

Eventually what was bound to happen, happened, and it all went belly up over something really childish, and we’ve hardly spoken since. I lost both my best friend and possibly the girl i’ve cared most about that day, and i regret it more than i have the eloquence to express. On and off, ever since then, i’ve tried to speak with her, not to gain anything back but our friendship, with very little success.

With the prospect of my international travel on the horizon i decided to try once more. I told her, that if she’d have me, i wanted to meet her. No strings attached, a coffee at the airport or something so simple. The conversation that followed told me a lot of things i didn’t know about the way she felt. It appears i hurt her more than i knew, and i’d love to tell her – but cant – that i feel the hurt as much as she does. She doesn’t want to see me, because of the loose ties and the complicated nature of our relationship. I can understand it, and i refuse to accept it at the same time.

I feel like everything would be perfect, if i met her. Because of all people, this quirky girl from the US has understood me more than any other.

I think that’s what i want, understanding.

…

looking to buy -> direction in life.

Matt.